In Defense of the Friend Zone | Charlie Nox

One of the biggest problems people face when dating is getting stuck in the friend zone. The idea of the friend zone and its perils is so popular there are internet memes, a gazillion articles on how to avoid it, several music videos and even a show on MTV. Briefly defined, the Friend Zone is a metaphorical land in which someone you want to date would rather ?just be friends.? According to all the wisdom of the Interwebs, once you?re in the friend zone, it?s all but impossible to escape.

But here?s the thing?the Friend Zone isn?t the problem. Lots of people have friendships with attractive interesting people and they don?t lie awake all night being tortured about it. Being friends with people of the gender you are fond of is REALLY good for your emotional development and social standing. Friends are a lot less drama and a great reality check when you really need it.

So this leads to a really important question?if the Friend Zone isn?t the problem, then why does it SEEM like the friend zone is the problem?

Why it seems like friendship is the problem, is that our culture describes friendship as a relationship with someone you a) aren?t obligated to spend time with (i.e. family and co-workers) and b) are not sleeping with. A lack of sex is pretty much the sole determining factor we use to describe friendship. And based on just that criteria, not having sex with someone you want to have sex with, i.e. being friends with someone when you want to be something else, seems like the problem.

But here?s the truth?sex is only one of the indicators of a romantic relationship. When we are in a relationship, we act differently and do different things?and not just between the sheets. We discuss our deepest emotional issues?fears, hopes, insecurities. We talk all the time and expect the other person to be more available for us than for other people. We answer the phone more quickly, step out of parties to take a call when there?s an emotional crisis, we let people see our family drama, and support them dealing with theirs. We listen to story after story about horrible exes and youthful mistakes. We plan for the future and day dream and hold each other when we are sad. We buy them gifts, plan special dates, and dream up ways to make them smile. Whether you are casual, serious, monogamous or polyamorous, there is an upped level of attention, emotional involvement, calendar space and money spent when you are romantically involved with someone. Plus, there?s sex.

So if a ?friendship? is a problem for you, here?s the hard truth. You aren?t really their friend. You?re stuck in a fromance?a friend romance. What you do, how you respond to them, what you say, your tone of voice, everything is determined by your crush on them, NOT your friendship with them. You call yourself friends, but in every way except sex, you are not friends.

In reality, you aren?t in the Friend Zone OR the lover zone. You are in a weird hybrid twilight zone. Being in this weird space means that you are stuck. If you were truly in the Friend Zone you might be able to transition to the lover zone (this actually happens a lot, but only if you are squarely in the Friend Zone first), but with one foot in each camp you are totally screwed.

Why do we end up in fromances?

People end up in these hybrid relationships because they think they are as good as it?s going it get, so they settle for this less than perfect relationship and tell themselves, ?well at least this is better than nothing.? Here?s the problem with that line of thinking: when you settle for less than what you want, you give up your chance to have what you really want.

That?s important, so let?s just say that again. Settling for a fromance when you really want a romance prevents you from having a romance with them OR anyone else. The Friend Zone is not the problem; you settling is the problem.

This crush (or crushes) is taking up the space where a romance could exist. The time, energy, thoughts, social calendar and money are being absorbed by this fromance instead. You need to break it off. I recommend actually telling your crush that your relationship is going to change so they know what to expect and it?s harder to slip back into old patterns. If they are worth keeping as a friend, they?ll understand and work with you to create a real friendship. If they freak out or try to rope you back into being their emotional partner without committing to something more, you might want to question whether even a friendship is a good idea.

Are you ?stuck in the friend zone?? Are you ready to finally break up with your fromances so you can have what you really want? I want to hear about all your fromance break ups post your stories below!

Source: http://charlienox.com/2012/09/09/in-defense-of-the-friend-zone/

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